wherein I feel the wee-est bit sorry for myself, but also learn some valuable lessons
I'm back. But without any deep thoughts. Probably for the best.
I've been mulling over the struggles I've had during the last 8 weeks. Now with just a little space to breathe, I think I've got a little (miniscule) bit of perspective. I have to accept that one of my most cherished self-images, that of competence and cleverness, needs to be relaxed just a little. Despite the fact that I am in my thirties, now married and with a child, feeling old and tired, I am still a student, still green and inexperienced in the medical world. In everything I do, I betray myself as the total ignoramous that I am. I get in people's way and am reliant upon their good will not to push me right over. And I do so like to please people. I need to get over that. I will not please people until I can singlehandedly cure cancer. I just need a little more time to get comfy with the struggle.
Sigh.
I'm not as fascinated by medicine as I was in the classroom. I enjoy talking to patients and doing procedures and exams, but it seems like most of medicine in a hospital is administrative. I'd see a patient for 15 minutes in the morning and then spend three hours (because I am slow) filling out paperwork so they can be admitted or scanned or discharged or whatever. Hard to get excited about that. Hard not to end up with writer's cramp. Hard not to end up bored and just wanting to get people home where they can actually get better.
Maybe part of it was the preceptor I was assigned this time around. She was not so much with the teaching. I felt like she tolerated my presence as long as I didn't slow her down. Which I did, daily. I believe that her approach was meant to be that you should come up with the answers on your own. Very Socratic method and all that. Other doc's I've known have done that, too, but usually after torturing you with questions for a few (interminable) minutes, they actually give you some information you can use. Dr. L never relented. She would press until you were squashed flat as a grape and then inspect the bottom of her shoe before turning around and walking away. Really disconcerting. And depressing. On the other hand, I probably did improve my presentation and history taking skills, just to avoid that stare. And also to avoid any more leg-humping by her overly-groomed canine.
And so on Monday I'm off to a new hospital. A private hospital about 5 minutes down the road. I'll be doing ICU. Yay for fresh starts.
I've been mulling over the struggles I've had during the last 8 weeks. Now with just a little space to breathe, I think I've got a little (miniscule) bit of perspective. I have to accept that one of my most cherished self-images, that of competence and cleverness, needs to be relaxed just a little. Despite the fact that I am in my thirties, now married and with a child, feeling old and tired, I am still a student, still green and inexperienced in the medical world. In everything I do, I betray myself as the total ignoramous that I am. I get in people's way and am reliant upon their good will not to push me right over. And I do so like to please people. I need to get over that. I will not please people until I can singlehandedly cure cancer. I just need a little more time to get comfy with the struggle.
Sigh.
I'm not as fascinated by medicine as I was in the classroom. I enjoy talking to patients and doing procedures and exams, but it seems like most of medicine in a hospital is administrative. I'd see a patient for 15 minutes in the morning and then spend three hours (because I am slow) filling out paperwork so they can be admitted or scanned or discharged or whatever. Hard to get excited about that. Hard not to end up with writer's cramp. Hard not to end up bored and just wanting to get people home where they can actually get better.
Maybe part of it was the preceptor I was assigned this time around. She was not so much with the teaching. I felt like she tolerated my presence as long as I didn't slow her down. Which I did, daily. I believe that her approach was meant to be that you should come up with the answers on your own. Very Socratic method and all that. Other doc's I've known have done that, too, but usually after torturing you with questions for a few (interminable) minutes, they actually give you some information you can use. Dr. L never relented. She would press until you were squashed flat as a grape and then inspect the bottom of her shoe before turning around and walking away. Really disconcerting. And depressing. On the other hand, I probably did improve my presentation and history taking skills, just to avoid that stare. And also to avoid any more leg-humping by her overly-groomed canine.
And so on Monday I'm off to a new hospital. A private hospital about 5 minutes down the road. I'll be doing ICU. Yay for fresh starts.
posted by cmm at 11:08 AM
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