the beast rears its ugly head
Had my first full-fledged freak out over putting Gabriel in daycare. It began as a discussion I frequently re-visit upon my poor husband entitled, "what am I doing with my life?" Gosh, doesn't that sound fun? I am batting options about in my head: apply for residencies in emergency med? family med? internal med? Focus on geography? specialty? family? M's work needs? big city? rural? It just goes around and around, especially now, as I'm somewhat removed from it all, the advantages of one specialty vs. another are mostly fantasy.
M made the mistake, though, in the midst of the swirling daydreams of asking, "what does your gut say?" And I knew instantly. My gut says, "stay with the kid." Oh shit! I am not a particularly good stay at home mom. I find it boring and trying most days. But I also find Gabriel the most amazing being and I love being with him. It's so contradictory. And then there's the fact that three years of medical school gets you $150,000 in debt with absolutely nothing to show for it. It's just not a viable possibility for me to stay at home. I do wish I could be two people. I feel I've got enough crap to fill up two heads, anyway. I could BE that wonderful, warm, caring mom who's always there. I could BE that dedicated physician who's smart and always there. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to be so torn.
I have so many good friends who have put their kids in day care and they are doing JUST FINE, thank you. In fact, they're thriving. In my head, I know Gabriel will, too, after an adjustment period which will consist mainly of my weeping and moping and hating myself. He'll just toodle right over to the toy pile, I'm sure. Still. I miss holding him when he takes a long nap, for god's sake! And he looks for me whenever anyone else holds him. We need each other, see?
Because feelings like these require some sort of action, unless we're to develop ulcers and panic disorder (trigger: day care and discussions about day care!), I have rechannelled my anxieties: we need to move. See, right now M drives about an hour and a half to get to his job, morning and evening, fighting traffic all the way. When I start back to school, I will join him most days. Plus there's the fact that we live in a crummy neighborhood in a dreary town. So how can we minimize Gabriel's time in day care, and maximizing good old quality time? By moving closer to the heart of it all -- a crummy neighborhood in an exciting town! It will in all liklihood break our little bank, but I think it may save my sanity. More to come
M made the mistake, though, in the midst of the swirling daydreams of asking, "what does your gut say?" And I knew instantly. My gut says, "stay with the kid." Oh shit! I am not a particularly good stay at home mom. I find it boring and trying most days. But I also find Gabriel the most amazing being and I love being with him. It's so contradictory. And then there's the fact that three years of medical school gets you $150,000 in debt with absolutely nothing to show for it. It's just not a viable possibility for me to stay at home. I do wish I could be two people. I feel I've got enough crap to fill up two heads, anyway. I could BE that wonderful, warm, caring mom who's always there. I could BE that dedicated physician who's smart and always there. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to be so torn.
I have so many good friends who have put their kids in day care and they are doing JUST FINE, thank you. In fact, they're thriving. In my head, I know Gabriel will, too, after an adjustment period which will consist mainly of my weeping and moping and hating myself. He'll just toodle right over to the toy pile, I'm sure. Still. I miss holding him when he takes a long nap, for god's sake! And he looks for me whenever anyone else holds him. We need each other, see?
Because feelings like these require some sort of action, unless we're to develop ulcers and panic disorder (trigger: day care and discussions about day care!), I have rechannelled my anxieties: we need to move. See, right now M drives about an hour and a half to get to his job, morning and evening, fighting traffic all the way. When I start back to school, I will join him most days. Plus there's the fact that we live in a crummy neighborhood in a dreary town. So how can we minimize Gabriel's time in day care, and maximizing good old quality time? By moving closer to the heart of it all -- a crummy neighborhood in an exciting town! It will in all liklihood break our little bank, but I think it may save my sanity. More to come
posted by cmm at 9:38 AM
1 Comments:
I'm all for moving! It makes "the perfect life" seem like a possibility -- until you realize you have to pack and unpack all that stuff you mentioned. All while also taking care of your baby. Hmmm, I don't envy you that!
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